


Ice Cream Shop Conversation

by Kimtheintrovert



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, F/F, Mikasa Ackerman & Eren Yeager Are Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2019-10-27 17:48:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17771399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kimtheintrovert/pseuds/Kimtheintrovert
Summary: Inside this old ice cream shop near the hospital, there was a momentum between the two of us; I wonder if we'll ever have a moment like this?





	1. Peanut Butter Swirl

**Author's Note:**

> A conversation between two siblings about life, love and hurt.

“How are you feeling?” He was more tamed than usual, less frantic and more serious. You wouldn’t have believed it if you saw him act this way. It was weird suffice to say. He kept stirring his peanut butter swirl a lot, something he normally doesn’t do.

“I’m feeling good. Sleepy but i feel swell.” It made me mirror his actions. The chips in my mint choco chips melted downwards as I stirred the sweet concoction, slightly. I didn’t feel nervous but he did and it made me feel squizzy.

You would have rolled your eyes at us. Yank the ice creams out of our hands and initiate a better conversation. Funny how my mind instantly thinks about you.

“That’s good to hear. What did they say anyway? Did they give you advice or something?” This time, his green eyes searched my grey ones and it forced me to look him in the eyes. They looked so tired and worried, I felt bad for asking him to come with me. But I shouldn't think that; “you should open up more and ask for help when you need it” that’s what they all say.

“She first asked me when it started and what triggers me. I talked about my childhood and the incident. It was hard to talk about it but she told me that in order for them to know how to help me they need to know the factors of why this is happening. It was hard.” I took a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth. Suddenly the words dried it out. You know I’m not used to it. The talking I mean, you said so yourself. How would you think of me now?

“Hey, I’m proud of you. For seeking help and opening up. It’s a big step and you’re on the way to recovery.”

I smiled a bit and we continued eating our ice cream in silence for a moment. I believe him, you know? Despite all the things I’ve said about myself, I believe him that I am on my way to recovery. It’s funny how it feels. I’m not used to it.

“I feel great about it. How suddenly I feel like I can take on anything…” I wanted to say more but I didn’t know what else to add. It’s always like that, how you want to say something, a specific thing but you’re not entirely sure what it is so you stay silent. I don’t know if it’s just me.

“Yeah, I get that.” Suddenly there’s an aura of silence between us again but its not unwelcoming per-se. I took another bite of my ice cream and so did he.There was something special about this moment. It seems mundane but there was something there between us. Inside this old ice cream shop near the hospital, there was a momentum between the two of us; I wonder if we'll ever have a moment like this? Suddenly doubt filled my mind.

“I have a question; how do you picture your best day would be?” He seemed startled by this question.

“That was random but that’s a good question. Hmm…” He looked thoughtful. That image might have freaked you out but he was deep in thought. He stared off into the distance and I suddenly wanted to take a peak at what was going on his head. He breathed once and looked back at me. 

“I always imagine this moment of great peace. I keep picturing a day where I just got over a terrible moment in my life and I felt relieved. I felt at peace.” He looked off into the distance again and smiled. “I think, that’s how I picture my best day would be.”

I smiled and reached in my spoon to take a bite of his peanut butter swirl. I’m not a fan of peanut butter but I took a bite.

“HEY! You have your own!” In response he took a bite of mine as revenge, we both giggled.

When we died down he swallowed what was on his mouth and looked back at me. “What about you? What’s your best day?”

I looked down at my cup of ice cream and stirred it a bit. “This might sound cheesy but to be honest I just picture my best day for all my love ones to be together.” 

I paused and took another bite of my chip filled mint. I can sense him staring at me, I imagine his green eyes soften and his lips tug a little. You would have rolled your eyes but I shouldn’t care what you think.

“I imagine us going on a road trip to the beach. Two cars; one for us, you, me and all of our friends. I’m the one driving and I have this partner sitting on the front seat playing all our favorite songs and we’re singing along and I’m trying not to look at them. The other car are our parents and Levi and his husband, our family basically. When we get there our family is in the house preparing lunch or snacks or something while we’re outside in the beach front, all gathered and having fun. We’re talking about the universe and the circumstances of what heaven and hell is or if we believe on it. We’re splashing each other with water or throwing a frisbee while at the same time having a conversation that questions our existence but still living in the now.” I paused again. Its fresh in my mind and I couldn’t help but smile. This time I looked up at you.

“I guess it’s also the same as your best day, having to feel peacefulness. Where our president is competent, our planet isn’t dying and all that we’ve struggled with is all over. I’m not saying that we wouldn’t have a problem in that moment but we would all feel okay. That, we feel deep within us that we’re all okay. I don’t know” I lowered my gaze again feeling ashamed that I said too much but still feeling happy that I said too much.

“I love that. So much.” I looked him in the eyes and gave him and smiled. In this ice cream shop that smelled of old candy, there was a moment between us. 

“Hold on to that.”  
I cocked my head at him. He only smiled wider.

“Hold on to your best day. Let that be your goal.” I could only smile wider.

I almost cried right then and there. There were so many emotions going through my mind but all I could do is take another bit of my ice cream.You would have called me a sap for almost crying and you would have hit Eren for making me a sap. I guess I was just too emotional for you. A hard pill to swallow that I carried for a long time but I swallowed it and so I did with this choco mint chip.

“Our best days will come, Eren.” I believe what I said and I think he did too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'd like to start off that this story is all based on real conversations that I had in my life with my closest friends. I wanted to explore more on Mikasa and Eren's relationship as siblings, I didn't know what to write about so why not something personal. I don't know if this will work or not but I'm enjoying writing these. The 'you' tha Mikasa is referring to is Annie. It actuall started out something else but I like the direction of this so far so I'll continue on this. Feel free to comment if you have thoughts, reactions or suggestions. I'll be writing more of these soon and I hope you guys will enjoy this.
> 
> Hold on to your best days, your best days will come soon.


	2. Rocky Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the people that I left: I'm sorry. I pray everynight for your happiness.

“Remember when you lost your phone in the field and we had to look for it at eleven in the evening?” He choked on his swirly peanuts and chuckled as I grinned at him.

“Oh yeah! That was wild. It was a big field, I can’t believe we found my phone honestly.” It was my turn to chuckle. This happened a couple years ago and we weren’t in speaking terms at the time. We weren’t even friends. I couldn’t even believe you came with us on this trip. Do you remember? We were going to the mountains to hike up to the falls but we had a quick detour at your hometown and Reiner’s parents offered to let us stay at their place for the night. They even treated us for dinner. I was in love with your hometown as much as l was in- let’s not open that wound again.

There were ten of us, the whole gang was there. I couldn’t believe that everyone came but there we were.

“It was your fault, the moment we stepped foot in that field you did cartwheels and your phone fell from your pocket. I knew it would happen.” I nudged him a tiny bit as a fun accusatory thing. We decided to buy another round of ice creams after that hearty talk. We figured why not; we’re young, global warming is here and either we might be dead tomorrow or the world will end.

“I don’t regret it. If we could rewind time I would do it all over again.” If we could rewind time, I wouldn’t change anything either but deep inside the catastrophe that is me; I sometimes wish I could change my choices between you and I but again, let’s not open that wound again. “We had fun didn’t we? It's a shame not all of us got to really live in that moment, where the field was ours for the taking, I wish the others would have joined in as well.”

My attention went back to him, catching myself frown a little. “Of course, that was the most fun I had. That was our moment; You, Armin and I. We owned that night. They missed out.” He smiled genuinely at me and I couldn’t help but mimic. There’s a storm coming inside of me and I’m trying to hold it all in.  
  
“Yeah! After dinner we got to spend time out in the field, we used my flat cap as a Frisbee, we played Zombie and the three of us raced from the field to the van.” He was practically bouncing at the memory of that time. I kept smiling despite the storm coming in closer.

I remember that night. We did so many things in a span of a few hours. Armin screamed so loud when Eren was chasing after him and I was watching the two of them being goofballs. We were sweating and heaving but we never felt more alive that night. I never felt so alive.

“We also found Pennywise’s hideout that night. Damn did we felt like kids.” I took a bite of the sweet inside my cup, feeling the nostalgia of that night.

“I mean, to be fair, we are still kids.”

“We’re twenty years old Eren and we’re about to graduate college but I get what you’re saying.” Saying that made the cold creamery even colder in my throat, a shiver past through me and suddenly, holding back became more difficult.

“Right? We’re still kids, fuck those old geezers!” We both laughed inside this old ice cream shop filled with somber people, there was a momentum between the two of us. I could feel the tears in my eyes but I excused it from the laughing.

“But, do you remember us trying to look for my phone? It was a good thing most of them had to use the restroom and we had a chance to run back to the field. It was dark and the grass was wet and we were sweating from running. It was like looking a needle in a haystack. We thought it was impossible but you two- you two still went with me and believed we would find it.” His green eyes went back to being serious again, I remember that look and I remember how we felt back then under the stars, walking around a huge field with little to no light looking for the tiny phone. I can’t believe we didn’t give up. Back then there was a spirit in each and one of us. Our flames were sprouting like wildfire but now it feels like there’s only a tiny light in a dark room but I think that’s enough. ‘All we need is a spark to get by’ Eren once said to me.

“I remember how there were crickets around and it was hard to hear the phone ringing as we tried to call it. We walked around and around but as the time went on we were losing hope. When Reiner called for us to come back; we gave in but we didn’t give up just yet. As we kept walking back to the van in the middle of the field; you still kept calling it. At the edge of the field, we were ready to call it quits when we heard it. The faint sound of the oh so familiar ringtone. Just when we were about to give up that’s when the Universe showed itself.” There it was, the storm passing by. Eren was surprised that I had broken down after his tale of the lost phone but didn’t hesitate to rush in beside me and comfort me. I used to be well composed and not as messy as this but maybe I wasn’t. You kept telling me, back when we were okay, that I was unstable. Do you know how much it hurt me when you kept saying that? I never told you; I always said that you were right and that you had a point but God it felt like I was being stabbed. It always felt like you didn’t believe in me. Everything is weighing on me and inside this old ice cream shop field with happy kids I broke down.

Dante Alighieri wrote in The Divine Comedy: _“Nessun maggior dolore che ricordarsi del tempo felice ne la miseria”;_  There is no greater sorrow than to recall a happy time when miserable. I don’t know when I stopped crying or what were the exact feelings that was going through my head. There were so many and I just wanted to give up but what life taught me over the years and all the experiences I’ve been through; sometimes the moment where we’re about to give up is when something extraordinary happens. Like finding a phone in a huge field in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually broke down in the middle of finishing this chapter. It took me a few days to finish it because I couldn't bring myself to write. I didn;t edit this as much because of it. I need a proof reader honestly. In this chapter features a moment in my life that I would never forget; the field thing did happen to me and it was a magical moment. I can't believe we found that phone. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. I also have a new Tumblr account because I deleted my old one. I felt toxic using my social media accounts so I deleted them but I decided to get back like how I decided to write more. Follow me and I'll follow back!
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hellokimtheintrovert
> 
> I hope you have a good day/afternoon/night. If you're stuck in a hole right now, please know you'll get out of their soon. You got out before, you'll get out again.


	3. Vanilla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found home in all the little things that make up my life. They're normal instances but they're a big impact to who I am.

After that embarrassing break down in the old ice cream shop, Eren had asked me if I wanted to go outside to have a cigarette. Normally, I would decline for the safety of his health and for convenience of not inconveniencing him but my heart was too clouded and my brain too fragile.

We stood a little ways apart from each other, behind the shop, our backs leaning in to the wall. A dumpster beside us that was filled with graffiti that may or may not have been understandable. I took a cigarette out of my pack and steadied myself to light the cancer stick. Eren is no smoker but the everyday habit made it hard for me not to. I am not good with breaking habits, changes scare me. You know this.

We use to smoke together, in the quietness of our world. Sometimes we would share a stick but most of the time we had seperate ones. I would always go for the mint flavored cigarette while you would go with the thick reds that always made my head dizzy after just one stick. I guess we had our differences, that’s what I always liked about our ‘relationship’. We both lived different lives but somehow our souls were intertwined. I always thought that it would root deeper than where we are now but I was wrong. Maybe it could have been deeper but I chose not to take it further for my own selfish reasons.

Eren didn’t talk while I was half way through with my stick. There was this comfortable silence between us as I continued to kill myself slowly and him looking at the birds from afar. He knew I needed to compose myself after such an event. Crying because you are sad is not a good feeling, breaking down is worse. Yes there is such a difference. You would know, I would hear your breakdowns in the middle of the night, muffled by your hand, silenced by your pride. I never knew from you that you were not okay. I always had to figure it out or someone telling me. It made me feel incredibly guilty but I don’t think that’s fair of me to feel that way. You owe me nothing and I, in return owe you nothing as well; at least I think that’s the case. I’m not really sure.

After my talk with the doctor my feelings seem conflicted. I have insights on why I feel the things I feel but I am still conflicted as to what I should feel. This, of course, cannot be fixed with just one session even if I want it to be fixed as fast as possible but even my controlling self cannot make this happen. I turned to Eren mid blowing the smoke I inhaled.

“Where’s your home?” He wasn't startled. This was his cue and he is used to me talking vaguely.

“With mom and dad in Shiganshina. Mom’s freshly cooked dinner after a long day, dad’s comforting silence beside you. It’s a small place but it is home.” Him mentioning that reminded me of Christmas mornings and hide and seek at our backyard. It warmed my heart but maybe it was the cigarette that I dragged whilst he talked. “Where’s yours?”

I put out my almost dying cigarette and pocketed the butt. Don’t litter, its bad for the environment; although smoking is also bad for the environment but bad habits die hard. I still wonder if you still smoke but most likely you still do. You smoke just as worse than me. I took another stick out and lit it as smooth as I can. I kept the smoke in as I inhaled the cancer inducing vice. Really thinking for the answer to the question even though I knew what my answer is.

“I don’t know.” He shifted his legs hearing my sad reply.

“Not in Shiganshina then?”

“I love Shiganshina; I love mom and dad but when I think of home I can’t seem to get myself to think of Shiganshina. Sometimes I feel out of place. Like I have a dysphoria when I think of it as home.” I took a drag of my cigarette for comfort.

“Do you think it’s in your parent’s home before?” I choked on the smoke that was deep in my lungs. I exhaled quickly as to not show my discomfort. That happened a long time ago. Sometimes the memories seems like a nightmare that keeps chasing me like it didn’t happened and my mind made it up, maybe my doctor was right, I was suppressing something that needed to be out. But that was the past and I cannot go back to the past nor can I change it.

“Maybe the memory of it feels like home but that’s just a memory that I can’t seem to hold on to. I know that home is not necessarily a place. Home can be a feeling or someone or wherever your heart feels like it but I don’t know where, who or what home is.” I looked at the ashes that fell from my stick that I left to burn. When it fell I took another drag to perhaps, drown my sorrow with smoke.

There was a time in my life that I almost believed that eventually you would be my home but that was foolish of me. I knew that back then and I know now. Maybe that’s why I kept having my distance from you. If I knew now what I knew, would I have tried to stay? I doubt it.

“What do you think home feels like for you?” I killed the killer stick and pocketed the butt again. I leaned in silence as I ponder a response to Eren’s question. I thought back on all the things I felt and all the people I met. I thought back of you and me and why I thought before you could be home. I thought back to the time when I was a child, I would sew with my mother or when a new mother arose and dabbed away the tears that fell on my cheeks whenever I was sad. I thought back on all the times Eren, Armin and I would laugh or the outings that our group would make. I thought about our three am conversations that lead to nowhere.

“Remember the time, when we were in freshmen college, we would wake up really early and head to the campus before the sun rose. We would head to the top floor of the fire exit and sit on the steps of the stairs. It would always be cold and usually you were late getting there while me and Armin wait for you. When we were all together we would look out the horizon and talk. We would talk about our lives, our dreams and our aspirations. We would make new jokes and laugh at our past mistakes but when that first ray of light came up everything would be silent. The sun would come up and it would kiss the cityscape below us. We would all stare up to it and no one would talk until the sun was fully perched up in the sky and once it did, we would continue with our conversation feeling different. As if we were given something to carry on to whatever was to come. There was just the sense of safety even if the world was dangerous. Home for me is a safe house when everything is too much. Home feels like the sun coming after the darkest hours.” There was a pang somewhere in my heart but it wasn’t pain, it was something else entirely.

“I remember those days. Me and Armin would jump from the top of the stairs to the bottom and you’d take our photos. We felt so invincible back then, like we could do anything. We felt like we were on top of the world and nothing could stop us from reaching our dreams. Now that view is blocked by the new building and things are different. It feels like there’s so much pressure now and everything just seems impossible. I feel so far away from home and I’m lost. I keep choosing the wrong path to take and the mistakes takes me farther away from my destination. I want to go home and it saddens me that you don’t know know where home is cause if that’s what you feel everytime, it doesn’t feel good. I really hope you figure out where home is and that it feels exactly what it felt back then, on top of our campus building looking out in the horizon for the sun rise.” He moved closer to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. He wore a weak smile but his eyes spoke of so many sadness. I felt so guilty. I’m not the only one fighting a battle against my mind and I never wanted to see him sad or for anyone for that matter. When I heard about what happened to you and your anxiety, I died a little inside and I feel like I’m not allowed to feel that way. I know I was the reason. I never wanted to hurt you but I did.

I took another stick from my pack, mentally reprimanding myself that this was the last stick. I blew smoke in front of me in hopes to clear my mind.

“‘Just because you feel lost, that doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong path.’ a good friend once told me. Maybe I’m overthinking things, maybe we both are. Sometimes, I can find home in the little things. My insomnia is a bitch, perpetually tired everyday but wide awake every night. But sometimes, in the quietness of my room where it’s early in the morning and silence can be heard, the sun rises and I can see the light touch the darkest parts of where I sleep. My bed is kissed with the rays of the sun and there’s this little divider of the sun and the shadows. That even though there’s still darkness, the light is still there. That stupid building might have blocked the once magnificent view of the sunrise but the sun is still there, it’s just covered by the building. Maybe home isn’t just one thing or one person. Maybe home for me is found in all the mundane things that make up to who I am right now.” and that includes you, even if you’re not in my life, somehow you’re still part of my home because you’re part of my growth.

“Look at you, you’re glowing.” He let go my shoulders and smiled widely as he turned back to the birds near us. ”Oh how far we’ve grown from who we once were. Things change but, we’ll always have that sunrise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not condone smoking. I used to romanticize smoking, I wrote so many poems about it but it's not something to romanticize. It kills you and once you start, its very hard to stop.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and again, I didn't proof this. I also finally had the courage to let my irl friends read this. I don't usually let them read any of my works because mostly they don't know that I write fanfics but it is about them so its only fair to let them read. They want me to write more so this is for them! Again, I hope you enjoyed this, I enjoy looking back to the things me and my friends' did and the things we talk about. Let me know what you think!
> 
> I hope you find what you’re looking for and you find your way home.


	4. Mint Chocolate Chip

The human mind has always been a mystery to me. Human emotions are complex, intricate and unpredictable. A slight change of tone and there are alarms setting off on your brain. It’s all very interesting, such an intriguing phenomenon that the piece of goop in your head controls your very being and makes so many emotions all at once. It boggles me how some people still bats away the idea that when your mind is not well we do not treat it like how we treat a broken rib. If our brain malfunctions our entire being will be faulty.

I’m faulty with a malfunctioned brain, living in a society that just tells me to feel one feeling and everything will be okay despite the fact that I feel everything at once. I felt everything at once when I talked to you but that wasn’t my brain malfunctioning, it was symptoms causing to the feeling we all know; love.

Such an innocent word for a destructive feeling. Indeed, love is really all it’s rumored to be. 

“What do you say we get one last ice cream for today and head home?” I blinked twice, looking back at the scenery (or lack of it) before me. I had hidden my cigarettes inside my pocket and had decided to have this quick journey in my mind by myself. I’m not quite certain if Eren had talked to me during that time but it seems that he had not. I feel that he too, was in his journey in his mind.

We went back to the shop, having a good whiff of berries, creams and… dust? I’m not quite certain. We sit where we once sat, in the far corner in a booth table, this time there were kids next to our table and a mother, enjoying her fun day with her family. Somehow having those kids around made the place look less gloomy or maybe it was my mind settling in. 

After a few minutes of settling back in our spot, Eren stood up and ordered another batch of diabetes cream on our table. Same old Peanut Butter Swirl and Mint Chocolate Chip. We embrace the silence afterwards.

“Thank you for coming with me and for this. I know I would have handled it alone but I’m glad you came to hold my hand when I need it.” I quietly stated after a while. He smiled wickedly, still having some peanut stuck between his teeth. I did not mean that literally and I know that he knows what I meant. When you tell someone how you feel, you’re not really telling it to them so that they can do something, you’re telling it to them because you trust them enough to know the truth of how you’re feeling. You’re not asking them to fix all your problems, you’re asking them to be there as you fix yourself.

“I’m happy I came! I got to eat a bunch of ice creams!” I rolled my eyes and pointed at the monstrous peanut hiding between his teeth. He cleaned it, not at all looking embarrassed and even had a proud look on his face. Somehow, the atmosphere changed, gone was the heavy and suffocating feeling, now came a light and bright mood that mimicked the kids. It felt great. Suddenly I remember that one summer where things felt great.

“Do you remember that summer where we had to work for Levi in his restaurant?” I remember the late nights working at the restaurant, the times where we would volunteer to be the ones to close the shop and we would stay ‘til the sunrise and all we would do is play some music and hang out. When there weren’t many customers we would shoot videos, and make films and create our own concoction of a drink from the bar. That summer was the most memorable summer. That summer was the summer I met you.

“How can I forget that summer. Levi made us clean his restaurant until the germs were 99.99% dead. I swear that old man was coming to get me…” despite that spiteful comment there was a small smirk forming on his lips. Levi was always hard on Eren, he’s our mentor, he would teach us a lot of things but he would always push Eren to his limits but they never despised each other. Eren looks up to Levi like he was a very older brother. We both look up to him. He has his own experience and he has his own wisdom but he never enforces his beliefs on us. He always tells us that we believe what we want to believe not because people told us to believe it.

“... But you know, despite the cleaning, that summer was really special to me and I know it was special for you to and for Armin. Before summer came, I- we were all having a pretty rough patch. School was eating us alive, the pressure of following what we were told and it felt like we were imprisoned but when summer came we felt free. Not just because there was no school but we were free to make the choices we want to make. We felt so invincible that we can do anything become anyone be somebody. Maybe that feeling is still there but not as strong as before, you know?” I can hear the children laughing in the background, enjoying their sweets and playing games in their respective seats. It made me remember the laughters we used to had that summer.

“Yeah, I know how you feel, sometimes you just want to go back to that summer, to live in that moment again but that’s not right. Life is a never ending cycle and each moment in your life is a lesson learned. If we go back we reset the things we learned.” I paused for a bit, regaining my thoughts. 

“That summer was actually the time I met Annie…” A lump in my throat suddenly formed and the minty part of mint chocolate chips is all I can taste.

“I remember, you were so… giddy, well as giddy as you can be. You were so unlike you.” I remember the nights we talked and the days I’d dream about you. “I remember you confessed to her that summer too.”

“Yeah,” I faked laugh, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “She was such an asshole about it too. That little prick…” My smile widened as I remembered that day. 

“We were suppose to swim with Armin and watch a movie but you couldn’t even concentrate on the movie cause you were smiling too much after you told her.”  He leaned in taking a bite after talking. I pushed my ice cream just a tiny bit, not being able to swallow anymore as the lump grew.

“Every damn day we would hear about Annie this and Annie that.” The lump that grew suddenly went down to my stomach and caused an explosion of mess inside of me. “You were so smitten and you made this whole thing for us to hang out with her so we can get to know her as well…” Eren went on and on about how I would gush over you and my body went on and on about how it was going to explode any minute.

Heartbreak feels like you’re dying. It feels like a car came crashing in to your body and hit your heart, and you can feel the pang twisting in your heart. It feels like you’re drowning trying so hard to get some air and breathe. It feels like you’re tied up with a rope, starving and dehydrated unable to move or do anything. It feels like you’re falling, falling and falling because no matter how much a heartbreak feels like you’re dying, death never comes. It never takes you away but it simply lets you suffer. 

You would pray every night wishing you were dead, hoping you would just cease to exist, send to the void, speed up time anything for that pain to go away. And when you think the worst part is over, when you think you have gotten over it, in the darkest parts of your brain, something creeps up behind you and you can feel it stabbing you in the heart so suddenly and unexpectedly. It comes when you’re alone as the sun rises, or when you finish a game or a book and you have nowhere else to hide. It comes when you come back to the safety of your home, it creeps up on you and you do not bleed the red blood that flows in your veins, you’re bleeding the tears you hid from everyone else.

In these moments you do not know what to do, you’re left paralyzed beating your heart asking for anything to make things better. You don’t know if you want to be hugged or if you want friends around or you want to be left alone. You don’t know if you want to hear the truth or be hidden from it. And people will tell you that things will get better that you’ll be happy again and all those things people usually tell you and you know this, you’ve heard it a thousand times. You know it in your heart but right now you do not want to hear those things cause god forbid, you’ve already engraved it in your heart a million times just for you to stop bleeding. Stitch, over stitch, over stitch.

It feels hopeless, it feels suffocating and sometimes you invalidate yourself cause this is stupid right? You’re not suppose to cry over this right? That’s what they say right? Time and time again you tell yourself you were stupid, that you weren’t enough, the you didn’t do enough, and there’s no reason for you to cry about it because you don’t have the right because you weren’t enough.

But all these things that you say to yourself is a lie. All these are just whispers from the demons within you wanting to watch you crash and burn. Because everyone has the right to their own feelings.

And from everything that I’ve been through, I have learned one significant thing from this from all the lessons I learned. When you don’t know where to put the love you want to give for that one person you want, you share that love to the rest of the people so that those feelings won’t overwhelm you.

“You even-... Mikasa?” I blinked back towards him and I could feel something wet on my face. “I-Im so sorry! I should’ve- I knew it was a sensitive topic- I-... I’m so sorry Mikasa.” He reached in to me while holding a napkin and wiped away the tears that fell.

I shook my head to him smiling, signaling him that it was fine, that everything was going to be okay because inside this old ice cream shop near the hospital, the demons can’t reach you when you’re with your love one.

“Are you okay Mikasa.” I took a deep long breath and smiled at him. Genuinely smiled at him.

“I might not be okay for a long while or maybe I will never be okay, maybe I’ll just get used to it over time but I know deep down that I’m going to be fine. That everything is going to be fine. We will feel that summer freedom once again, we’ll reach our happy days and all other bad days won’t matter because we know we’ll be fine. I don’t think I will ever forget the hurt that I went through all throughout my past but that’s okay because that means I went through all those things and still lived. I’m going to be okay especially inside this ice cream shop with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I'll be posting and omg this might not be my finest work but I'm happy that I finished it. I have a love hate relationship with this chapter and I'm gonna be honest I kind of rushed kind of not. It took me months to try and finish this chapter cause nothing seemed like the right ending but I finished it. Thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoyed this series. There was no real goal to this. I didn't think up a storyline and to be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to end it or not but it felt like it needed to end. This was all just a whole big brain goop. Again thank you for reading and for leaving a kudos, have a good day/noon/night.


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